Tomasz Wiśniewski Interview With an NVC Specialist

Q: Good morning. What can you tell us about conflict?

A: There is a certain controversycontroversycontroversy surrounding conflict. Most people see it as something inherentlyinherentlyinherently wrong or something to avoid. However, conflict is simply a situation of disagreementdisagreements [disagreement]disagreement between people with opposing viewpointsopposing viewpoints [opposing viewpoint]opposing viewpoints, interests or needs. But nobody thinks in the same way; each of us differsdiffers [differ]differs somehow from others, so conflicts will naturally emergeemergeemerge. We don’t need to resort to violenceresort to violenceresort to violence – conflicts do not have to be aggressive clashesclashes [clash]clashes. There are better ways to resolveresolveresolve them. Sometimes, they can be very polite disagreementsdisagreements [disagreement]disagreements and can be constructiveconstructiveconstructive. If we behave properly, they can actually lead to a better collaboration between people. What I want to say is that people who fight do not always fall outfall outfall out.

Q: So, can we learn how to argueargueargue properly?

A: Yes, we can say that. We can learn how to engage in a debatedebatedebate, how to negotiatenegotiatenegotiate or, as you said, have a proper argumentargumentargument. There are strategiesstrategies [strategy]strategies that will allow us to reach a compromisecompromisecompromise, where two people take a step back or - even better - a win-win solutionwin‑win solution/win‑win situationwin solution, where both sides come out of the conflict happy.

Q: How do we do this?

A: What I teach in my nonviolent communication (NVC)nonviolent communication (NVC)nonviolent communication (NVC) workshops is that a well‑managed conflict should not be about two people mindlessly bickeringbickeringbickering or quarrellingquarrellingquarrelling. It will be an attempt to reach a solution.

Q: How can we learn to behave in conflict? After all, such situations are very stressful, aren’t they? When we are stressed, it’s really hard to control ourselves and emotions often escalateescalateescalate.

A: Exactly. That’s why the most important thing is to learn anger managementanger managementanger management. If our anger reaches a certain level, let’s say, a seven out of ten, we start to lose control over our actions and even a small disputedisputedispute over a small detail or a squabblesquabblesquabble about something trivial might end up in a brawlbrawlbrawl. In biological terms, our neocortex or ‘civilised brain’ switches off and the ‘animal brain’ or limbic system takes over and we become aggressive. As a result, we lose the ability to control our actions. That's when it is too late to do anything. So, all our efforts should be focused on controlling emotions and keeping them at a steady level. Let’s say, a six out of ten should be the maximum. If we feel like it might rise above that, we should take a minute off or do something to de‑escalatede‑escalatede‑escalate. There are certain things we should do. First of all, we need to identify the emotions and name them aloud. It’s the first step towards de‑escalation. We also have to learn how to express ourselves using a language of needs instead of emotions. There are also some things to avoidavoidavoid in conflict, for example, trying to hide emotions or asking people to calm down – it rarely works! You can also ask someone to mediate the conflict, that is, make sure that the conflicting sides control their emotions and help them understand the source of conflict rationally. This is what we often do as NVC specialists.

Q: What if we fail to do all those things and the conflict escalates?

A: This is something we should avoid at all costs. A conflict between two people can reach huge proportions and turn into a group conflict and cause large‑scale dissentdissentdissent, which can divide a group, for example a class, and eventually lead to its breakdown. And then mob mentalitymob mentalitymob mentality kicks in and it is a lot harder to control a group of angry people due to enormous group pressuregroup pressuregroup pressure. People will start seeking revengeseeking revengeseeking revenge and this can spiral out of control. It’s very difficult to fix if things go too far. This is when you need specialists in nonviolent communication to intervene. It is a lot better to act early: learn how to control our emotions, how to de‑escalate tensionstensions [tension]tensions and resolve conflict by better understanding it and its reasons.

1 Źródło: Tomasz Wiśniewski, licencja: CC BY-SA 3.0.